Been awhile huh?

I recently was going to be switched over to a a gyn group at the Mayo and decided that I would just switch over to my primary care doc. I have had this pulling sensation in my left pelvic area that I wanted to get checked out. had all the normal testing done and I got a call from my doc today saying that I had something in my lower RIGHT side that needed more investigation.
Left side is clear of any visible issues.
Now I am stuck. At the Mayo, when there is an issue with an ultrasound, they get as many techs and docs involved to determine (if they can) what it is before handing the info to the GYN doc. In this case I had an uneventful ultrasound and the info that was passed along was "there is something there". I mentioned a fluid filled cecum to my doc and he said "sure, it could be that".
So on that note, I am going back to the Mayo.

A monument to Bizarro Pizarro

forever immortalized, hell like it wasn't already with the 15 inch scar...
So, In case you "don't get it" the skull section is my CT scan featuring that great big void, BizPiz MC! It's name (obvious!) and crossed scalpels to signify the hellacious surgery. Yeah baby!

It is weird

I have been thinking about my bizarro experience alot lately. I was just thinking "Wow. I am so grateful that I could have access to such a wonderful hospital". I make jokes about my exams, but they are just a defense mechanism. I have been through some fairly heavy shit this past year and no amount of joking can change that.
I think I make light of it because, hell, I didn't die. Wasn't maimed. Still have a functioning uterus and am fertile. What more can you want? I can't say I wish it never happened because life happens, it is a train that you can either get a ticket for or be tied to the tracks awaiting your end. Okay weird analogy.
I have learned a thing or two about myself and those around me. As long as you learn from and survive what life throws at you, it has been a good day.
*end strange philosophical wandering*

Update

Went to have my biannual exam today. Bizarro Pizarro, the gift that just keeps giving. I got to the Mayo with Mom and child in tow, had my blood drawn, drank my water, changed into my gown and sat down in the ultrasound waiting room. Why is it that no matter what reason you have an ultrasound, they always tell you to drink X amount of water and then bring you into the appointment late? Sadists.
The vaginal ultrasound wasn't too bad. They had to bring a doc in to rough me up, ahem, check my right ovarian void for some abnormality and then we were done. The doc looked and sounded like Craig Ferguson, without the kilt.

So on to the consult with my surgeon and whatever flavor of the month resident currently shadowing her. The resident looked like Roberto Benigni
, But enough of the actor look-alikes.
So I got a pelvic exam and then I got a bimanual exam that involved all large lower orifices and fingers that were boring into where my right ovary used to live. I pride myself on a high pain tolerance, but HELLO!
I then had to be examined by my surgeon as well.
So, we will be going back in 3 months or sooner for yet another ultrasound to make sure that the fluid area is a passing thing and not some lurking evil.
The cool part of all this was that Roberto Benigni showed me all of my ultrasound pics and I got to see my mid cycle uterus and one good ovary that had a follicle just ready to pop (SB ovulating today). Too cool.

Clean bill of health

I forgot to post about this, or maybe I posted on one of my other blogs... :)

So, Mom agreed to go down to Rochester with me so we could take Isaac and Tom wouldn't have to take a day off. We got there with not a minute to spare as always. Parking at the Mayo is always a treat! Haha.
So we got there, settled Isaac into the waiting room with Mom and headed in. "Take off all your clothes from the waist down and put on this gown." If I ony had a dollar for every time I have heard that.
In walks a handsome man (I think that if you need to have a strange resident exam you, it helps if they are handsome and witty). He asked me a few questions, asked how I was doing, blah, blah, blah.
Time for my bimanual exam, graduating to a speculum exam because of a "nodule". A few cramping pokey swabs later, he pronounced everything fine. Whew.
My surgeon came in after I got dressed, ask me some more questions, blah, blah.
All done, until my next exam in 6 months where I get a "transvaginal ultrasound" Yay!
And so on for the next three years...
We stopped at an Erberts and Gerberts for lunch, and headed home.

Ahhhhhhh

Oh the sweet feeling of finally being able to move, think, speak in a normal fashion. The pain is at a minimum. I am able to actually do a few things like walk, clean, pick up the 27 lb kid. Amazing how being able to do these things makes such a difference.
The other day I happened upon a karoake site and found that my range and quality had returned. I don't even know when they went to hell, but they had. I had no breath support with a tumor all up in my shit and the hormones must have been wreaking havoc with my range. Just another weird little thing.
My 6 week exam is coming up in a few days. Another round of getting naked for strangers, having bloodwork run, maybe even an ultrasound. Yipeee! Here is to hoping I am back on track. Gonna ask if I have an "all clear" to breed. Although I want to get little more in shape before that happens.

An amazing discovery

Last night I was taking a shower after everyone had gone to sleep. I was carefully washing my incision/scar which needs special attention at my pubic bone and belly button. I was cleaning my belly button, which I have lamented in the past about being totally messed up. I had my finger in there when I realized that I had only been sticking my finger in halfway. My new Mega Belly Button goes in normal depth and then curves to the right for a bit more. I felt like I was spelunking.
So instead of having a weird shallow belly button I have a weird deep belly button.
Just had to share.

Emergency Room

Today I was in the Emergency room in town(only thing open today, closest in an ice storm). I had a lump in my groin that I found this morning that I freaked about. I was worried it was a blood clot, abscess, swollen lymph node…blah blah blah.

I laid down in the room to have the nurse check it out and the damn thing was gone. I laid there feeling like an idiot for 15 minutes waiting for the doc. He came in (and man was he handsome) checked it out, commented that he could feel a difference between the sides and that I was right to come in to get it checked out. He was very impressed with the size of my removed tumor and the beauty of my incision. I am such a sympathy whore.
There goes a 50.00 co-pay, but at least he was cute.

Merry Christmas all!

I am home, in one piece and life is good.

Day Four

Friday

I got to eat food today. The last thing I ate was a egg salad sandwich on Tuesday for Lunch. My body didn't get anything from it since I had to do the pre-surgical purge that night. Before that I fasted in case I had to do tests. Monday night was the last real meal I had.

So I ordered eggs, toast, bacon and raisin bran for breakfast. It was oh so good.

The Surgeon came in today at 9:00 and checked me over. She said that all was good and I could leave today if I felt up to it. She also told me that I would be coming to see them at the Mayo every 6 months for 3 years. No skipping yearly exams for me!

They took out my drainage tubes today. Holy Shit. Not a very fun event to mark in my emotional journal of experiences. Patricia asked me if I wanted the easy one or the hard one done first. I told her to just pick one.
I laid down, she clipped the stitches, advised me to lay back and take a deep breath. Zippyblipblub she took out the one that ran subcutaneously up my abdomen. Blech. Then she said "okay this one is going to hurt more" she clipped the stitches on my deep side tube. This one goes down into where the ovary was removed. This one came out quicker (shorter depth) but I could feel it pulling back through my intestines and them making way and then settling. Didn't hurt as much as the first, but was more unsettling. She cleaned up her gear and left. I just laid there in the semi-dark room trying to center myself. Tom left shortly thereafter to go pick up our stuff at cousin Jacquelyn's and to leave me to take a nap. I was restless, but finally got in a 30 minute nap.

Time to think about packing up to go. Wasn't sure I wanted to at that point, tube removal and all. We got all of our gear together, said our goodbye's and I got my first wheel chair ride down to the entrance with a short stop off at the pharmacy.
Tom stopped off at Jimmy John's to get me Vegetarian sandwich no greens for the drive home.

Mom and Isaac were hanging out at our house when we got home. Jen had been there earlier and completely cleaned our house for us. THANK YOU JEN!

It is nice to be home.

Day three

Thursday
Slept pretty good last night. Tom stayed with me in the hospital since Isaac went home with Mom.
Today they took out my NG tube, catheter and one IV. Yay. Oh that was the grossest feeling in the world (soon to be grosser feeling but that comes later). The nose/esophagus combo is really too much. Out with the catheter, not so bad becuase it isn't in so far. Now I can have "sips and chips", which is ice and water for all you wondering. The IV on my right hand is now gone.

After a while I was told that I could order from the clear diet menu. I feasted on grape juice, coffee, vegetable broth, jello and rasberry ice. Best meal I have had in a while. Walked 7 times today. Got to take a shower, which ws fun with my remaining tubes sticking everywhere.

Paula came to visit today. She was making her rounds in Rochester and surrounding area (what luck) and came in to visit for a while. Couldn't stay long (and I hear she was back home for another labor, that lady is busy). Got a visit from cousin Jacquelyn. She gave me a nice new journal which I think I will use for non-surgical journaling. Keep it separate.

For dinner I got to have real liquids. I ordered a milkshake, potato soup, coffee, juice. The milkshake upset me enough that I had to get an IV shot for nausea. I would hate to think of myself yakking with my entire abdomen freshly stitched.

Wohoo! After a long night restless with gas pains, I finally pooped! Had to call in the nurse to check it and mark me off on my progress report.

Walking - check
Off NG and Catheter - check
Pee - check, enter amount of urine here...
Poop - check

Day two

Patricia and Monica came in this morning to give me the skinny on what was done for surgery. Morphine makes memories blurry. I got out of bed today. They had to put my family of tubes on the rack, unhook me from the wall pumps, but I walked! Wow did it hurt. Click, click, click...morphine pump. My first walk was out my room and about 15 feet down the hall.

I still have the damn NG tube up my nose and it is driving me crazy that I can't drink any water at all. Before surgery I used to have to drink so much water to keep up with this cyst and breastfeeding. Now all I can have is this funky little sponge on a lollipop stick to swab my mouth out with. I have no spit, probably due to the drugs. I had a double bag on my IV for fluids overnight since my output wasn't good enough. Funny to see the nurses empting my catheter bag with a little measuring cup and running it to the restroom. They say I can probably have liquids on Thursday. This is very frustrating to me.

Here is a pic of me! Aren't I gorgeous?


My primary nurse, Starr, is a real doll. Doesn't put up with too much shit, but still has a sense of humor instead of the inevitable bland, nice, in-one-ear-out-the-other attitude. Keeps me a little more sane. Nice to have someone you like who has to give you tylenol suppositories.
Mom and Mike cam to visit today and brought a nice holiday arrangement. Everyone said it smelled wonderful...unfortunately I couldn't smell it because of the damn tube up my nose. They told me that Isaac was getting a cold or allergies so I asked Mom if she could take him home with her.
The day was a blur of walks, meds, vital taking, catheter emptying...etc.
But tomorrow I should be able to drink water! Shh, don't tell anyone, I have already been taking small sips all day! Hahahaha!

Surgery Day

Didn't get much sleep last night, but everyone keeps saying "don't worry, you get to take a long nap..."

Mom, Tom and I got to the Methodist hospital on time and in one piece (it is one of the hospitals on the Mayo Campus that does the surgeries). We checked in and sat down in a little waiting room with a bunch of other nervous looking recipients, most with crutches. They were calling people in pairs again. My pre-surgery buddy, myself and our combined families were taken upstairs by the surgery concierge, a tall older gentleman with a coat and tie. We were taken to our respective rooms and told to follow the instructions given. I changed out of my tracks suit into my hospital gown and robe, tight calf socks and hospital socks. When the nurse came in with her little pushalong laptop, a few questions were asked and I was told to do the 2 enemas and the medicated douche. Fun.

After awhile we were told to say goodbyes. Hugs all around. I walked with another pre-surgery buddy to recovery, where they set us up. I got to sit there 45 minutes contemplating my mortality and wondering if I still had time to run away, escape, make off with my butt hanging out the back of my gown. Some of the surgical team came up to introduce themselves. The anesthesiology resident came up to introduce himself and start some things. My first impression of him was he was nervous and had to double check every thought before he let it leave his mouth. He put in my first IV well enough, even though someone else commented on it latter that it was a very interesting looking IV setup.
Dr. Patricia (the GYN resident working with Dr Monica Jones) came up, checked on things and said that it was time to go into surgery. They wheeled me through the busy surgery halls down to the last room, OR 10. There were a few people in there getting things setup who waved as I came in. I got felt up by the funny resident anesthesiologist while he was putting on my cardio sensors. Ha ha!

They asked me a few questions and then must have slipped me out really quick. Don't remember anymore.

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I woke up sometime after surgery but while I was still in the operating room. I remember chewing on something in my mouth and someone making another (seemingly sarcastic comment) about how he had the tube in far enough. I think it was the respirator which I think is generally out to at least your mouth. I had a bunch of people talking to me all at once telling me about a 13 pound tumor and then I was back out again.

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I woke up in severe pain in the recovery room. All I could manage to communicate was OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWGODDAMMITOW! I got a couple of "I'm getting you something", but whatever they were getting me was definitely not enough. I kept up with my owows and I remember my nurse was on the phone with someone reading off all my info and procedure. I heard a few things that scared the crap out of me like "lymphectomy" which I knew meant cancer testing and bigger procedure. Finally the pain tamed down a bit but I don't think I ever relaxed my arms from fighting position. After a while it was time for me to be transferred to my room. My transporter introduced himself as "Esau, your personal chauffeur" He apologized everytime we went over a bump and seemed like a really nice man. I got to the room and finally got to see my mother and sister and Tom. They were shooed out of the room for a few minutes while they got me set up.

At this point I was manhandled by two nurses. They needed to remove the sheet or something from beneath me. They rolled me like an overly full soft taco. I yelled. They rolled me the other way. I yelled. They hooked up my morphine pump and told me to press the button. Tom was kind enough to push it every five minutes until the nurse caught him and told him not to. I looked at the clock and got a little freaked out. It was after 4 o'clock. They put me out around 7:00 AM. I asked everyone what the hell had happened. They told me what the surgeon had told them.

They had waited for a couple of hours and a nurse had come out to tell them that they were still in surgery and she couldn't really answer any questions. Tom later told me that he gasped and really freaked out because he was worried about cancer. Hours later the surgeon finally came out and told them that the tumor was "transitional" (which is like a precancerous mole you have removed from your skin) which meant they had to do the large incision, a lymphectomy and remove my intestinal fat pad for testing. They removed my right ovary and fallopian tube and did an apendectomy.

Tubes still in place:
2 IV's, only one hooked up to anything
1 nose tube that kept my stomach empty of everything so I wouldn't get sick and vomit
1 urinary catheter
2 drain tubes attached to pumps

My legs are in these leg wrap-arounds that quickly fill up with air every few minutes and force your blood up to keep the risk of blood clots down

Everyone eventually left as I got drowsy and fell asleep. Time passed in an unreal slow state. I would look at the clock and think at least an hour had passed and it would only show 5 minutes. I woke up at least every hour throughout the night and would just sit there and think. I remember turning on the light for the night nurse with her little flashlight every time she came in since I was awake anyway.

End of Surgery day

Countdown in 3, 2, 1....

Well, went to the Mayo today to see the surgeon. The Mayo is huge! Not like I didn't know that, but it seems to be a cross between a train station, a hospital and a mall. We had a 9:30 appointment to see Dr. Jones. Parking was a bitch. We drove up to the ramp a it switched to "full" and had to back out and find another parking ramp. It was -7 at this time and I was ill prepared in a long sleeve shirt and my thick hoodie. You think after so many years I would figure this cold thing out. I must have thought I was going to be admitted that day and it didn't matter. Nope.

The doc walked in with three other people. There was a resident, a surgical nurse (this is a guess since she was all dressed up but I think they called her a nurse), an office nurse and the surgeon herself. She did a short but extremely uncomfortable exam in which she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. She was very positive about it being benign (though malignancy cannot be ruled out before pathology). She was sure I would be able to keep my other ovary and uterus. She said it was a smooth walled tumor that didn't seem attached to anything else. She dicated her notes to an dictation service over the phone, and we found out a lot of info that way (serves to inform us and put it on the record).

Next we headed down to registration. I was asked a couple of questions, but not too many since I had already given them most of my info. The clerk asked me if I wanted a private or semi-private room. I asked what the difference was. "A private room costs you $35 dollars a day out of pocket". Hell, sign me up! Cheaper than a hotel room and I wouldn't have to listen to someone else complain, snore, or hold "get well soon" parties. Of course, it is first come first serve. Which sucks. I just hope I have a nice early surgery!


I had 2 appointments after this. One for blood work at 11:00 (tech said they get 900 patients a day in her department!), and another for a chest X-ray (which my Mom says is to make sure my heart & lungs are clear and good for surgery).

We didn't have to be in X-ray until 1:30 so we stopped at the cafe to eat. I had an egg salad sandwich, piece of cake, & apple juice.

We stopped at the pharmacy to fill my poop prescriptions. One half gallon of insta-laxative and two dulcolax pills as a chaser for tonight. Yeeee Haa!

The X-ray experience was funny. It was all one dept for womens x-rays. I think most of the women there were for mammograms. They call you in in pairs, me and my x-ray buddy. They take you to this hallway with a bunch of stalls, like a dressing room, but all the doors are old and wooden. The nurse gave both of us the same instructions after asking our full names and dates of birth. You go in to this little wooden stall and there are instructions for what to do:
1. take off your shirt and bra and all jewelry.
2. locate the paper smock in front of you.
3. put your left arm through the left armhole, pull across your back, put your right arm through the right armhole, pull across front, put your right arm through the right armhole. Am I the only one who becomes confused after the third action?
4. when you are ready, flip the light switch.
5. when attendant is on the other side of the door, you may unlock it and walk out.

Not included in the instructions is that you get to lock your stall behind you and keep the key around your wrist as something to nervously play with as they line you up to sit on a bench with other women similarly clad. Of course I was the last of the five to be called in. It was a simple "lean up against the X-ray machine and point your elbows out", and then a profile...up until then I was sure that they had tricked me into a mammogram...Another conversation about how the X-ray techs sister had an ovarian cyst removed and she was out the next day (everyone has had a baseball sized cyst removed, it is getting annoying to constantly repeat that mine is different), another comment about how no, I will be staying longer than a day.

After that Tom went to get the car as I waited at the front entrance. A woman sat down next to me and started telling me how she just had a new brainscan done and her tumors are back. Shit, what do you say to that? Merry Christmas?

After we got home, I took an hour nap to prep for the cleanout. I have heard some say that they get really sick from this stuff. So far I am doing fine. Clean as a whistle, had to skip a big family meal, and am still hiding in my cousins den as I alternate typing this blog and running to the loo.

Should be a fun day tomorrow.

Getting ready

I am so lost as what to bring to my hospital stay. I am in the great position of having to prepare for surgery without any of the guidelines of the hospital. I will be 100 miles away from home when they tell me what I need, so I have to guess now. I have a robe and PJ's, socks and slippers, books, toiletries and myself. I have to also pack for Isaac and eventually probably for Tom. I really should have had all of this done now, but I am not sure I could have. I need to be pressed to get ready for someone to cut me open and cause me pain for a few weeks. It is hard to keep your survival instincts at bay. They are not rational, they are fearful of anything that causes harm, removes me from family.
I will be fine.
I have a good surgeon.
I need to not worry, not think too much about it.
Funny about the whole "don't over think it" issue. I feel like I am not in reality if I don't think about all the possibilities, but if I think about all of the possibilities, it scares the crap out of me. Should you be scared or removed?
So this will be the last entry for awhile (until I am back and able).

Wish me luck.

The Mayo called...

They needed to ask me a couple of questions and remind me to bring in my CT films.

"Have you ever had a mammogram?"
"Have you ever had a colonoscopy?"

All I could think was...oh my God, they aren't going to make me do those things on Monday are they???

hahaha,
No, really, are they?

On a different note, I have been off Xanax for a few days and am feeling pretty good. Still a little edgy, but nothing too bad.

Yay! Surgery!

Today I got up the courage to call the Mayo Clinic. I think I have this misconception that you can only go there if you are really sick, dying even. That just isn't true and I am happy I called.
I asked a few questions, told them what I had, told them I wasn't satisfied with not being able to get an approximate surgery date.
I got all the answers I have been looking for from the woman making the appointment! She got me in for a consult on Monday the 19th and told me that after the surgeon sees me, if she agrees that I need surgery (no other roads to take at this point) that the surgery would probably be done the next day and that the O.R. has openings on that day.
I feel 500% better right now.
Wow, I still have so much to do. It is like getting ready for vacation. I need lists and supplies. I have to pack for the whole family. Ike will be going off to camp and Tom will be coming to jamaica with me...oh wait, Ike will be going to his auntie's house to have a long playdate with his two cousins and Tom will be coming with me, probably to live in a hospital dorm. Might as well be Jamaica.

All the great ideas are already taken

I ain't the only cystic artist around.

Sitting here with bees in my stomach

Butterflies sound way to happy happy joy joy.
I think I am reaching critical mass. Serious. I talk talk talk talk, and it doesn't really seem to matter. I have decided that even with my little warm and fuzzy conversation with whomever I keep talking with at the oncology group, I am just not happy. Tomorrow is dedicated to happiness. Tomorrow will be a reckoning of sorts with the powers that be. I will have a better answer tomorrow even if I have to drive to another state and sleep on a sidewalk of some hospital.

Maybe one of those hospitals will take me in as a mental patient until they can get around to removing my tumor. Yes, I said it, TUMOR, not cyst or mass, lets use the real word. TUMOR.


Main Entry: tu·mor
Pronunciation: 'tü-m&r, 'tyü-
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin tumor, from tumEre
1 : a swollen or distended part
2 : an abnormal benign or malignant mass of tissue that is not inflammatory, arises without obvious cause from cells of preexistent tissue, and possesses no physiologic function

Oh, but I forgot, it is perfectly safe for everyone to sit on their hands and delay delay delay. Well, safe for everyone but me.

Xanax the wonder drug

Yeah right, either I have become resistant to it in 7 days or my emotions are more than even it can handle. Left a message for Dr Feigal to call me to discuss a referral. He assured me that I am not overly crazy to want this out ASAP. He said he would call up the oncology group to find out if we could expedite things. Got a call from the group 15 minutes later and we had a discussion that cleared up some misconceptions. I think Tom at an earlier time at said that we had a preference of one hospital over the other and (NO, I would go into the vet to have this done if they would take me), and that I wanted to have it done after the beginning of the year. I assured her I am a nutcase, and please get me in.
Well at least that is cleared up, but I still have to wait a week to get a consult....

And, another doctor, again...

Got the call from MN Hematology and Oncology today. They scheduled me to see one of the GYN oncologists on MONDAY 12-19-2005! crap crap crap crap
How much longer does this dog and pony show have to stay in town. Could we just order up a @%#$*^%W%$#@*$^ surgery already? Please? Pretty please with a whipped cream and an 8lb mass on top?
For heavens sake!
I asked the person who did the scheduling if it was important that I have had two doctors tell me I need to get this done right away and now this group is telling me wait another week for a consult and we won't be able to get you in until after the new year?????
Why is someone doing the scheduling who doesn't even know the size of my tumor?
(insert yet another round of bawling, this time on Xanax). I called Paula since we also needed to talk about the MSBC newsletter. We had a good conversation about it even if I was doing all the ranting an raving. Had a small glass of rum and felt better. I am now considering trying to get a referral to the Mayo Clinic if they can get me in sooner. at this point I don't really care if it is a teaching hospital. I don't care if there are students everywhere, just get Bizarro Pizarro out of me, thank you very much!

The reason I am so frustrated with the MN group is that if they can't get me in until after the first of the year, I can't do it until at least the 16th of January. that is 5 weeks from now! 7 Weeks from when they diagnosed it. This isn't a mole removal I am having done. I don't want my ears lowered. I have a TUMOR in my abdomen, am I the only one who thinks that is bad?

I am going to try to get a referral tomorrow.

Another surgery

Today was Mike's open heart surgery. Mom and Mike went in yesterday morning for education and pre-op. He went into surgery early this morning and last I heard they were closing him up. They had to do 4 bypasses instead of the planned three. Mom says she will be able to see him by 2:00PM
I called the hospital today and talked with the triage nurse about my blood tests. She told me that Dr Fennell wasn't in clinic today and was taking a few days off. I panicked a bit at that. I left a message for Dr Feigal to call me with them. A little while later Dr Fennell called. he was a the hospital for other reasons. He said the paperwork for the referral was on its way to the MN Oncology and Hematology group in the metro. We discussed the blood tests and he said it all looked okay, but that my CA-125 was slightly elevated above norm (norm=34 I had 39). Told me it could just be because of the size of the tumor. He told me I would get a call from the referral dept to set things up either today or Monday. Tom is now home and he called the group while at work to find out what info he could find. They don't do this type of procedure at Woodwinds, which is a bummer. They only do these at United and Abbott Northwestern.

Mike got out of surgery okay. When Thomas got home we all headed over to the VA hospital. Their waiting room leaves much to be desired. Why do hospitals make people sit on nasty couches for hours on end? Some people sleep on these couches, which is of course not really what the hospital wants you to do.
Mike looked good considering what he had been through. He was still completely out of it. He had 11 I.V.'s a thoracic drainage tube and a catheter. That is one nasty surgery. Seeing him freaked me out a bit about my own surgery. I know mine won't be nearly that bad, but crap!

And, another doctor...

Met today with Dr fennell. Mom watched Isaac so we could both participate in the appointment this time. I didn't eat anything today in the hopes that the doc would say "lets go in and remove it tomorrow". Yeah, what a dreamer. Haven't had much of an appetite this past week. Bizarro Pizarro seems to have grown in the last week. I am not sure if it was due to swelling from all the examinations or what. My liver is crushed up against my stomach. Heartburn city.
So, Dr fennel comes in and says "So, you have a huge ovarian cyst.." I liked him right away. We exchanged info, repeating that my maternal grandma had ovarian cancer and that is what finally scared me in to see a doctor. He showed concern over that connection.
"Although I would love to do the operation, I believe we need to send you to a different hospital".
He spent a long time with us answering all of our questions about the procedure, which hospital we would likely go to, the type of cyst. I found out my ovary is pretty much toast and will be removed during the procedure. He let us know what would happen if they detected cancer and all of that. Duration of hospital stay will be 5-7 days due to the length of the incision, pubic bone to above my belly button.

He wanted me to take the cancer marker blood work so we headed down to the lab (with a side visit to the pharmacy for a prescription for Xanax). The lab lady started in on my right arm to fill the four vials she set out. Halfway through some patient came wandering up asking her a bunch of questions. You know, sometimes I wish I was a class A bitch. The lab lady was trying to multitask while taking my vials. Didn't work so hot. Lost the vein in her twisting around to chat with this other patient. She attemtpted to fill the other two but ended up tossing them and starting over with my left arm.
We were done for the day. Tom and I went out for dinner and a beer (almost like a date if the talk wasn't about surgery and cancer), and then headed home.

Pandora's Box and Cystic Art

I took my CT scans out today. I really should have left them alone, but I just couldn't. I pulled one out and thought, "not bad". The next one was of the actual mass. It took up most of the scan! After freaking for an appropriate amount of time, I felt the need to share. I took a photo of the CT held up to the window for light to shine through (yes I have a scanner, just don't want to go hook it up). I opened up my photo editing software and was going to remove the personal information on the scan. One thing led to another and I had created art out of it. It felt good to normalize it. To make it into something powerful, or at least pretty. I got alot of "Oh shit, that is big, but you are so brave". Funny, I don't feel brave. I feel like a big stooopid coward who left something go too long and will be punished for it by being cut in two...but I digress.
I later created another since I got such positive feedback from Hip Mama (where I posted the pic). Here is my Ode to Andy Warhol. Made me feel better about it. Not sure why, but it did.

I give up...

Today I called Woodwinds and gave up early. I called Red Cedar and made an appointment with Dr Fennell, OB/GYN and surgeon.

My first consult...

My appointment was at 11:00 today for a consult with Dr Feigal. I called Paula up so we could see her while we were up. I was a nervous wreck.
Tom was keeping Ike busy in the kid section and I was hoping that someone was going to tell me nothing was wrong and just go home. The nurse made the decision to have a pap done, which shattered my anxiety about this being just a normal consult into a billion pieces. Get into the hospital gown and sit there trying to keep your ass from hanging out. At least they are real cloth there instead of those horrible paper jobs. So much for keeping a straight face when I see Dr Feigal in social events for the birth center....I don't know why I feel that way since he delivered my son. Just weird I guess. He agreed there was something funky in my abdomen, he went and got the doppler and I was worried that he might find something in there. No baby. Then came the nice exam to see if the top was connected to the bottom, so to speak. I really need to learn how to relax.

He decided a sonogram was in order. I got a nice tetanus and flu shot and then headed down to the sonogram department. Drink four glasses of water...brought back memories of my pregnancy sonogram and almost peeing all over. Tom and Ike got a bite to eat in the cafeteria. I got my water. We agreed to meet back at the waiting room after a certain amount of time so they could go and do something outside the hospital.

In the sonogram room I got to get a first glimpse of Bizarro Pizarro. He was the ugliest thing. You know how people always say "I can never tell what they are looking at when we get an ultrasound?". Shit, if they didn't see what I saw, they would have to be blind. The sonogram lady (tech, dr, rn?) told me pretty early on that this thing represented surgery. even though I answered "I figured", it freaked the crap out of me. I found myself watching her every move to determine if there was a clue to my mortality in there somewhere. She seemed positive...good, right? I asked her "so how big is it, like size of a grapefruit" she said "no, it is too big for me to measure with this machine". Wow, double crap. That was what she was doing as she drew her points way outside the the bell shape of the scan.

Back up to Dr Feigal's office. Yes, it is big...now lets get you in for a CT scan. I hoped to see Tom on the way out but didn't. He had no idea I ws going in for another test. Back down to the same area to get a CT. I waited in the lobby for a few minutes and was given a cup of koolaide to drink. At least it wasn't lime flavored. I can't drink lime koolaide. Reminds me too much of the Jonestown Massacre.

Would I have drunk it so readily if I knew it was a radioactive substance? Not sure.

20 minutes later I was led to the CT room. Imagine a big white room out of "2010" or *insert any other minimalistic sci-fi movie here*. The CT scanner was a donut shaped device with a bed tracking through the middle. It looked like a small "Stargate", again with the sci-fi crap. Off to the left of it was a large pivoting bionic arm suspended from the ceiling. I was asked a few questions (none of which were "are you breastfeeding?") and then laid down on the track bed which my big ass fit with little room to spare. They had mentioned an I.V., but I never imagined it was the bionic arm. on the arm was a digital display and controls above a dual cannister that looked quite a bit like a lethal injection. They never told me what was in those syringes. It was "dye" not radioactive iodine. The arm forces those two cylinders of dye into your I.V. line really quick right before they make a pass over with the CT. My little cyclotron started to rev up..I noticed there was a teenie notice that said "do not look into the laser, blindness can occur." Screwed my eyes tight real quick! Then the preprogrammed voice talks to you, saying "take a breath, and hold" as you slide in and out of the stargate. Then "breathe normal". Right after the first of the two stages of the scan, Tom and a very wide eyed Ike come into the room (okay, Tom's eyes were a little wide too). After a few pleasantries and WTF's, they were ushered out for the next wave. That was it, all over. *Little note, radioative iodine takes awhile to get out of your system. Not a fun time for breastfeeding mothers without backup. Tom had a long night upstairs with Isaac and I slept downstairs.*

Back to Dr. Feigals office. Again.

At Dr. Feigals office we discussed options. He asked if we wanted to stay at the hospital or find a specialty group. Told him I wanted to sleep on it. Got copies of the CT and sonogram in case we decided to go elsewhere.
We stopped by the birth center on the way home to talk to Paula. Chatted about the pro's and con's of all options.

Lets start at the very beginning

Made an appointment for a check up with a physicians assistant (no one else available for a long time) at the NR hospital. I got an e-mail from Tom about ovarian cancer and I have 5 of the 8 symptoms. Shit! Couldn't get me in until the 6th.
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I have changed the appointment to get in at Red Cedar Medical. The Doc who delivered Ike can see me right away.